Why Am I Different?

A Life Behind The Fat

 Hello all. I'm new to blogging and I don't really know where to start but what I do know is what I want to talk about, being the person behind all those fat jokes.

I'm a normal person, just like everyone else, but I'm heavy. There are alot of words out there that people use to describe people like me. Fat, curvy, BBW, things of that sort. But for me they all mean the same thing. "Disgusting". My husband (God love him) tells me I'm beautiful just the way I am and that he loves all my sexy "curves". But how does he expect me to react to that? With a smile? I can't because I know that when I look in the mirror, I won't see any sexy curves. Just the rolls and the flab. Everyday I have to look at that and 95% of the time I think to myself "How could anyone love this?". I beat myself up every single day. I'm my own worse enemy and I can admit that to myself and those who I'm close too, but never to strangers. Even here on this blog, it's going to kill me to be so honest about what I feel, but I need it to get out because I can't take another day of holding it all in and sugar coating everything so I don't spend 30 minutes in my bathroom crying because of somthing I heard someone say as I was walking by.

I remember the first time I realized I was heavy. I was maybe about 9 or 10 and I was laying on my bed on my side with my head propped up on my hand and I looked down and noticed that I had rolls on my side. I remember thinking "Omg, I'm fat. I don't want to be fat." I remember times when my step-mom would make dinner for me and my sisters and after I was done, I was still hungry and my sisters would be full. There we're times growing up when I wouldn't go swimming with them because I was bigger than them. Even to this day I'm the only child in my family who is heavy. My mom WAS heavy but had weight loss surgery in 2003, and now she's so tiny. So here I am, out of all of my skinny family members, I'm the only fat one. I hated going places with anyone in my family so much that I moved here to Kentucky, and have not visited my family since 2005, just to avoid family get togethers. What a horrible person I am to refuse visiting or letting anyone from my family to visit me because of my weight. I always make excuses, work, no money, the kids, and sickness. I've used them all. None of my family has met my youngest daughter and no one has seen my oldest daughter since she was a baby. And it's my fault. There have been times when I have refused to leave the house because I'm terrified of what people think when they see me. And when I do go out...I wear baggy clothes because I don't want people to see me.

My daughter will turn 5 in 2 days. It makes me nervous. Not for her, but for me. I don't want to be the fat mom. I don't want her to be made fun of for my bad choices, and yet, I continue to make them.

I have tried everything you can think of to lose weight. Diets, excercise, diet pills, everything. And the most weight I ever lost doing any of it was 15 lbs. You might think, "Oh well you might have not done it long enough!" Wrong. Try a year. 15lbs in a year. How do I go forward in trying to lose more weight when I had clear evidence in front of me that all my hard work had barely paid off. Granted, it did pay off a little, but not enough for me to want to continue to do what I was doing. Instead, I looked for someone to blame. My family for their bad genes? Money because I couldn't afford to buy the heathy things I needed? Myself for not pushing harder? I couldn't find anyone or anything to blame for anything. So, I just went on. And here I am, still fat, and trying everything I can just to feel better.

It's unrealistic for me to want to be stick then. If I could be any weight in the world I would be no more than 155lbs. To me that is not fat. To me that is perfect. But from my weight to there is 104lbs. Thats a whole celebrity!

My husband tells me, "If you want to lose weight go on a diet and excerise!" How? And when? In between getting you up in the morning and bubble baths for the girls? I never have anytime. I mean HELLO!! look at what time I'm posting this blog. This is my ONLY free time to myself. And some days, I don't even get this.

I know alot of people who will read this will think it's dumb, but to me....it's just what I have to say and feel. If you don't like it, fine. Don't read it. What I want is for people to realize that not everyone is the same. I have feelings and so does everyone else. I don't make fun of people for any reason because I know what it feels like to have people make fun of me.